Monday 22 February 2016

Everyone's talking!


The tree talks to the hill, they have an agreement to follow,
You hold my soil and I will quench your thirst when rains shallow

The tap on the glass asks for attention in return
The midnight oil for lighting the page does literally burn

To see or not to see the face of a person you once loved deeply
The longing eyes and the pang in the memories quarrel suavely

The ox talks to the whip, straw to the sip
The bird to the air, open wings cut through with flair

The silence has a story to tell- an awkward or a brief one
Untold- The one that lips of a tale have shun;

The stick in the bun of pretty long hair,
Says to the neck, Dare not sweat you wear!

The strings live in harmony once knotted,
Art is what color does to canvas when blotted.

The tyres promise the road kajal every time brakes are pulled
The beans- an aroma whenever coffee gets mulled

A tiny wrist held by a bangled hand says it cares
A tight hug talks of the love and affection it bears

Everyone's talking and talking doesn't need words I swear
The pillar to the roof- Hold on I am there!

Tuesday 9 February 2016

What do women want?




You kept wondering all these years, why you didn't make good with women. Well cause you never knew what they wanted. It is nothing to feel depressed about- as a matter of fact they don't know it, either. But then how to tread the unknown, I would try to put forth my views- I don't know if you might agree or not, but you could enjoy reading them.

Women want what they do not have. So to make yourself a commodity in demand. Do not let women have you- as simple as that. But then what's the point- you got nothing and they got nothing and you just created an artificial demand like toor dal or onions in the market.
So the whole point drives around the fact- that women are indecisive emotional beings and a man gives them the stability they want. So although they know the truth - how they look, whether she has grown fat/thin or how the curry tastes. She would always want a man to give his opinion about it. Now beware - it is a fully-planned trap, appreciation is what she expects but it must sound genuine. So next time she asks you 'Sweetheart, how do I look?' - do not hesitate, look her in the eye-give a beautiful controlled smile n say 'Beautiful!'
Okay that tip might get monotonous after a while and you cannot let that happen.
Get a whiff of it when it does and find creative ways to make sure she keeps believing you. You might be tempted to say the truth sometimes just to gain her confidence that the other times it wasn't just flattery.

But make sure, you time the truth correct- it should not come out on an day she feels important. So just in case she got ready for the event she has been dying to go to for the past six months - #BFFwedding. Make sure you do not open your mouth, just to sound original - blurt out the truth. That's pretty dangerous and might lead to a few hours of trauma for her and you as well. It would also give her a topic titled ' Ungrateful You' to discuss at the wedding.

Man has always dreamt of making a woman run after him, I guess that only happens in those AXE Chocolate ads. Let us give it a thought if it could be possible. Have you ever seen a woman shop at a flat 50% sale. She goes crazy doesn't she?
And you keep thinking- what could you do to make her go crazy for you?

Simple- just go on SALE!

Just imagine ten tender hands reaching out to grab you. You've said this to yourself- "Ahh I wish!" every single time you saw  a similar sight in those Punjabi Yo Yo videos. As a matter of fact- it is all scripted and those models are paid, don't believe them.
But then to go on a sale- it would hurt your dignity to sell at half the price your actually worth right. So do what the retail chains do- markup n then discount. That way- even an average looking man can get a decent woman wanting him. She would bring you home happily, thinking she got a better deal. Sometimes she would buy you even if she did not want you- she only did so because she thought somebody else would if she did not. She actually snatched you away from another woman's hands and took pride in the shopping she did.  So the mantra lies in making her believe that she got a better deal. 
But then, the same story would repeat once you got home- novelty of the object wears off and its status changes from 'Wow! So attractive' to 'Boooooring'
You need to continually update yourself like android to make her feel you are still fresh.

Another person close to a woman's heart which she wants to see every single day is the housemaid. You might have observed that she adjusts herself, her timings and your plans according to the Bai's (maid) time of arrival and departure. The Bai does not do some rocket-science experiment, so why the hell does the Bai get so much of importance?
You can envy the Bai for holding such an important place in her life- but you cannot change anything about it. So learn from the Bai, she performs all those tasks that a woman would have to do herself if the Bai did not. What do you do? Become the Bai?
No, not at all - a woman loves a man with dignity and not otherwise. 
Once in a while, you could surprise your woman by doing her chores- say, make her afternoon tea! Mind you, she would value you more if you did that just, once in a while. You do not want that you work your ass off on lazy afternoons and marginal utility steal the show away.  (By the way, for those who dont know-marginal utility is a principle that says the taste of every cup of ice-cream keeps deteriorating with every extra cup you have)

The occasional doing of things also adds to the element of surprise. Always surprise her and refrain from shocking her. So if you think that its a big surprise that she might go in a shock - give her a hint in advance and let her curiosity cook up stories before you actually bang the surprise on table. That way, you actually get better returns for your surprise. Say, she was longing for a vacation and you have finally made enough money to take her on a foreign trip. Now she expected a domestic one (lower expectation) but you want to take her out on a bonanza ride- make sure you follow that hint trick. It would not only give you the status of a loving person but you would also be treated nicely in the meantime of hinting and the surprise.

The only place this could backfire is where she sets a higher expectation and you end up surprising her with a lower one. So it is quite essential you understand the needs and expectations of your woman. It's not easy for all. Some might have the expertise to know it immediately while some might struggle to understand even when 'I want a diamond ring' is staring them in the face.
Whether you are able to fulfill that demand or not is a different story altogether. 

So now what do you do if you know she wants a diamond studded in a platinum ring and you can afford neither the diamond nor the platinum. Damn those advertisements that repeatedly keep saying- 'Gift her a solitaire this valentine!' My company does not give me bonuses in February just because it has a valentine in it. Instead of fighting a lost battle trying to explain her that you cannot afford one; Try and identify an alternative to that diamond ring that you could actually gift her. You are not a bad husband and you do actually want to gift her something- she understands that too, its just the ads playing with her mind. Think of it this way only, (she understands me) gives a lot of peace to your mind. 

Once you have decided what to gift- do not, I repeat DO NOT go ahead and tell her what you can gift her. Ahuuh! That would be a blunder of the most extreme kinds, believe me. If you do - you would just be meeting an expectation lower than what she expected. She would eventually take the gift and you would not even get the credit. Making you think what went wrong or why doesn't your paycheck give you enough to satiate your woman's demands. It never would, so stop cursing your company- you already got plenty of different reasons to do so - say your boss for instance!
What you ideally need to do is this, tell her you can get her something lesser than what you have actually planned. She would be a bit upset, which she would anyways have been later too if you give anything lesser than that polished piece of carbon.

So when you actually give her something better than what you promised, you end up surprising her and she goes 'Ahh!' over the gift. You can then let her mind calculate that you considered her special enough to stretch your budget for her. Don't brag about it in the first place itself or you would give yourself and your plan away. Go about it slowly, just smile when she acknowledges the fact and if you want the night to go sweeter- tell her later that you wanted to buy a golf kit but it does not fit in budget and that probably a few months later you would. She would forget all about the ruddy advertisemnts, diamonds and platinum and love you till the next demand crops up.